Time is Flying By

I can't believe it's been such a long time since I've posted anything. It's been crazy around here with me working now and I can't seem to keep up with my life anymore. The house is always a mess, Kaelin is becoming more and more of a brat every day, and I hate that, and every day is another day I don't have a baby.

I haven't actually been dwelling on it all that much. I had a hard time when Matteson's due date came and passed but I feel like I'm handling everything fairly well. We had a nice day at home, just the three of us. Kaelin and I wrote notes to Matteson and put them in balloons and the three of us sent our balloons to heaven. I know it's not realistic to think that anything could come from that, but it made me feel closer to him, telling him how much I loved and missed him.

Now it's just back to the general stress of life. I realized a few days ago that it had been five months since he was born. That's five months of trying with no luck. I am having a lot of mixed feelings about the baby thing now. I would give anything to have a baby right now, but I am finally in a job I actually enjoy, and for now it's only short term. If I put off even trying right now and the job ends with the contract in October, I will regret that I didn't do anything about it. On the other hand, if I do get pregnant now, do I jeapordize the opportunity to turn this job into a full time one? I wish this didn't have to be so hard all the time. Why can't I be one of the lucky people who just decides to have a baby and it happens just like that. I haven't even really been trying this time around. It took way too much out of me to try for Matteson. So much disappointment and false hope and time passing is just too much for my already fragile emotional state. Now I don't think about it.

I have so much going on right now with Kaelin too, I don't know what a baby would do to her at this point, or how I could manage to muster up the energy to deal with the intense frustration she seems to be intent on inflicting on me and the complete exhaustion I face with every pregnancy. I'm finding it so hard to deal with her as it is. It's gotten to the point that some days I would be happy to stay at work until she's in bed. That's a horrible thing to think about my own child, especially when I want another so badly, but she's turned into such a little monster, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I've done wrong. She is disciplined fairly consistently, she has boundaries and rules set up for her, we reward her good behaviour and she gets tons of positive reinforcement she has just developed an insane temper that we can't seem to control.

I don't know if it's the adjustment to preschool and being away from me, or if it's the outside influences and inconsistencies, but I am losing my mind. I feel like we're fueling each other now. She yells and whines and throws a fit and I can only keep my cool for so long. Then I'm yelling, and she's yelling and I don't want to be around her.

I'm sure every mother feels like this at some point, especially with a three year old, but it still makes me feel like a horrible mother. I am working on having more patience and having a little bit more organization around the house so I don't feel so overwhelmed all the time, but that's going to be a bit of a family effort. I know I can't do it all on my own and it's time to delegate and set some ground rules for my family. Hopefully this lack of desire to come home doesn't stick around once I don't have to walk in to a filthy house and a pain in the ass kid to deal with. I just haven't figured out how to work it all out yet. It's only been a month, and I don't think I'm doing too bad, it's just a lot to get used to after being at home for almost four years.

I know everything will all work itself out soon, and I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Hopefully by this time next year I'll be starting another maternity leave with another little miracle, instead of sitting around watching every one else's birth announcements come flooding in.

Wish me Luck!!!

Hope Springs Eternal

Well, as I'm sure it has become very apparent that I lack discipline. It's been a few weeks since I've written, not for lack of things to write about, I have just simply forgotten. Adapting to being a semi-working mom has been something of a challenge. It is only a few hours a week, which is somewhat disappointing, but it's a bit of a learning curve to adjust to working outside the home, working inside the home and still managing to put in enough wife and mommy time to keep everyone happy. Some days it's enough to make me want to pull my hair out, but I find myself mildly satisfied with finally feeling like a contributing member of my family. I know realistically that I have always 'done' things for my family, and being a stay at home mom is the hardest work there is, no one could ever convince me otherwise, but not being able to contribute financially is a bit tough on anyone. I'm not making much money now, but it's still more than I was making before.

Working has also provided me with a little bit of a stress reliever on the baby front. I have been worried constantly over what will happen when our next baby finally shows up. I want to give all my children the same opportunities Kaelin was able to have, having a full time mommy, but it just wouldn't be possible unless A: the economy shapes up dramatically, or B: I make enough money beforehand to pay down our debt and allow me to qualify for mat leave again. It may not seem like much to the outside observer, but I know I am working towards providing a better life for all my kids, both real and yet to be.

Not much has happened as far as babies go, which is a little disappointing, but I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not disappointed. That has never been a strong point for me. I have to cancel my appointment with the specialist because I still haven't had my second ultrasound, so that's irritating me a little bit. I want this whole process over with. I want to walk into the doctor's office in two days and have all the answers we have been trying to find for the past year and a half. I want to get a positive pregnancy test so we can finally start developing that hope again; maybe a complete family is something we could have after all. I've had some interesting symptoms for the past two or three days; mild nausea, mild cramping, tiredness, mildly aching breasts and some light spotting. It could be the start of a new cycle, although it's something of a miracle that it would happen on a 30 day cycle, which is where I'm at now. I'm trying not to think of the other possibility for fear of jinxing myself. I don't know if it's been in my mind for a while and my body is creating symptoms of nothing, or if something really is going on. First thing tomorrow, if my cycle hasn't started over I am going out for a pregnancy test. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up but the longer this takes the worse I get.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying as hard as I can, but I'm still scared it could take another year and I don't know how well I would handle that. It's been a hard enough year as it is. If the test is negative, I'll be cancelling my specialist appointment and scheduling my ultrasound. If it's positive...I haven't decided what that means yet. That still makes me sad. It should never be like that for anyone. You get a positive pregnancy test, it should mean that you're going to have a baby. For me, and any other couple who has lost a baby, it only means that you are pregnant. My pregnancy ticker will never say a baby is due in x number of weeks, only that I have been pregnant for x number of weeks. It becomes more about hope than expectation. Of course I will pray that after 40 weeks I finally have the child we've been waiting for, but in the end, I can only be grateful for the time that God grants me to be a mother to yet another little soul. It may only be a few weeks, or a few months, but as hard as it is for others to believe, I am so completely grateful for that time. I love all three of my babies so much it hurts, and it would break my heart to lose another child, just like it broke for each of my sons. In the end, I can't begin to understand why we were chosen for this. My relationship with God has changed in amazing ways because of this. I was chosen. I can't even begin to understand why, but I hope it's because I am capable of and willing to love every single life that grows inside me with the same depth and passion, regardless of whether or not they are meant for life. It gives me a great sense of comfort to know that my sons can feel how much I love them, and maybe I give them some comfort and belonging that they wouldn't have had without me.

It's not easy to lose a baby, regardless of what I believe, or how much faith I have that they know they are loved. Although I don't want to lose another child, it's something I have to be willing to risk, not only for the completion of my heart, but because I know that God has a plan for me. That is the only thing that gets me through my times of uncertainty and doubt. There is a reason for all of this, and although I may never know what that reason is, I am ready to find out.

A Day for Love

I have never really liked Valentines Day. As a teenager it just reminded me that I was alone and didn't have anyone to spend that special day with. Since meeting Mark, I have come to enjoy Valentines Day. I like to think of it as a day for love, friendship and family, and yesterday, I really felt loved in so many ways.

We never really planned to do anything special, money is tight and we can't really justify spending it on frivolity, so we agreed to forgo the celebration this year. That was until my mom called and told me she had sent us some money so we could have a nice night. We decided to get some good steaks, which we never do because they cost too much, and spend a nice romantic night in. The three of us spent the day together, grocery shopping mostly, but it's usually a chore I do on my own. Even the simple act of being together as we walked around the grocery store felt romantic. I bought us a bottle of wine, another thing we usually go without, and the saleswoman gave me a flower. A simple gesture, but one that so many of us take for granted. We drove home in silence, listening to love songs while Kaelin slept in the backseat and I felt blessed. I was holding hands with the love of my life, with two roses on my lap that my mom had insisted Mark pick up for Kaelin and I, and we were going to have a wonderful romantic night alone together.

Mark went for a nap when we got home, the normal result of a messed up weekend schedule after midnights, and I sat down for a while to relax before I started our late dinner. I sat down at the computer and noticed some photos on Facebook titled "For Jamie." My sister in law Holly, who is currently living in England, visited a garden that had been dedicated to lost babies and she thought of me. I was profoundly touched by one photo that she had dedicated to Perrin and Matteson, of a memorial plaque from two parents to their lost baby. In front of the plaque, Holly had placed two flowers, one for each of my sons, and taken a photo. A small gesture, to many, but for me it was such an incredible thing for anyone to have done for my sons, and for me. I've spoken to my counsellor about my sorrow and anger that no-one will ever acknowledge the place my sons had on this earth. She told me that I have to let go of what others think or say, and only acknowledge that I give the babies a place. Yesterday, on the day of love, my sister in law acknowledged that my sweet baby boys deserved to be remembered and missed, and that someone other than Mark and I, was thinking of them.

I am truly blessed. I am going to strive to take my blessings into the world, and bestow the small gestures on the people I encounter in my life. It may be a small gesture to me, but to someone else, it might be the greatest gift I could ever give. I don't always remember to say it, but thank you to everyone who touches my life. Your love and friendship mean more to me than you can ever imagine.

Who You'd Be Today

One year ago today, I was due to give birth to my first son. One year ago today, I was supposed to have two children. I should be celebrating Perrin's first birthday today and it's days like these that still hurt the most. I wonder what he'd be like at one year old. Who would he look like? Would he be a talking, or sitting back and listening to everything that's going on? Would he be a daddy's boy or mommy's little man? I know there isn't any point to wondering what if. It only makes the ache stronger, knowing that I will never know the answers.

I went out today and I bought him a rose. I don't know why, I just had to acknowledge that today means something. It sounds dumb, especially since he wasn't actually born today, but it's important for me. I was supposed to be a mom today. I think about how excited I was planning Kaelin's first birthday party and it breaks my heart. I wanted so much for those boys. I watch Kaelin running around with Mark and I think of what it would be like having a little boy toddling around after his big sister and his daddy.

I think the stress of life is catching up with me today. I haven't cried in a long time, but with the constant worry that Mark will lose his job, and the stress of trying to find a full time job for myself as well as trying to make sure my family doesn't get lost in the shuffle, I'm overwhelmed. Missing my boys today certainly isn't helping the situation. I feel hopeless. I am usually a person who is filled with hope, even in the face of terrible things, but today, I just don't have any hope left. I am terrified about everything. I am terrified Mark will lose his job, and I'm terrified that any job I find won't allow me to be with my family, and I'm terrified that it's going to take another year to get pregnant and I'm terrified that next year I'll be remembering the due date for another one of my babies.

I think I'm going to go outside and sit with my boys for a while. I always feel better when I talk to them.

A Beginning

I don't know what the purpose behind this is for me, I just know that it's something that I have to do. I've been thinking a lot about the reasons behind some of the things that I've been drawn to the past few months and I have never felt so sure and so lost at the same time.

I am going back to work soon. After three seemingly endless years that went by faster than I ever could have imagined, I am leaving my role as stay at home mom to rejoin my fellow adults in the outside world. It's very bittersweet for me, to say the least. I have always wanted to be there for my kids all the time, that was the only work I ever wanted to do. But this past year has been very difficult for me in more ways than one. Adjusting back to a life without my sons was the hardest thing I've ever done. I know most people can't understand how a child that has never been born, never known or never held, can impact a life as profoundly as a living child. My answer is always, unless you have experienced that life, you will never understand. My sons may not have been with me for long, but I felt every second of their lives and for that, my life has been irrevocably, profoundly changed. I am a better mother for having had them, and for that I am grateful. I know Kaelin will be a better person for the experience, and I know that I have learned to appreciate the small miracles that I have every day.

As strong as my desire is to stay at home and be with my daughter, I have noticed a change in both she and I, and I feel like I need to nurture that change. It's lonely work being a homemaker. I miss having conversations with other people, I miss being able to talk about things that I have in common, and I miss being able to do things for me. Kaelin too, is starting to pull away from me and move towards other kids, I suppose being alone herself all day is lonely too. I am proud of the accomplishments she and I have made together. She is astoundingly intelligent and very well mannered. I don't know how much I had to do with that, but I know that she is learning how to be out in the world from us and that makes me very proud. I have tried never to let my emotions hinder her development or her need to explore, and I think that it's time for me to let go, despite my sadness, and let her thrive in a way that I can't help her.

I am excited to see how she handles this next challenge in her life. I hope that I can continue to help her be a better person, even when she's not with me all the time. Maybe that's why I feel the need to keep these journals. Not just as a record of my thoughts and feelings, but so she can look back and see everything that I wanted for her, and that I wanted her to know. Maybe in 12 years, when she's a stubborn teenager who doesn't think I understand, she can read this and know that I love her more than anything else in this life.