Time is Flying By

I can't believe it's been such a long time since I've posted anything. It's been crazy around here with me working now and I can't seem to keep up with my life anymore. The house is always a mess, Kaelin is becoming more and more of a brat every day, and I hate that, and every day is another day I don't have a baby.

I haven't actually been dwelling on it all that much. I had a hard time when Matteson's due date came and passed but I feel like I'm handling everything fairly well. We had a nice day at home, just the three of us. Kaelin and I wrote notes to Matteson and put them in balloons and the three of us sent our balloons to heaven. I know it's not realistic to think that anything could come from that, but it made me feel closer to him, telling him how much I loved and missed him.

Now it's just back to the general stress of life. I realized a few days ago that it had been five months since he was born. That's five months of trying with no luck. I am having a lot of mixed feelings about the baby thing now. I would give anything to have a baby right now, but I am finally in a job I actually enjoy, and for now it's only short term. If I put off even trying right now and the job ends with the contract in October, I will regret that I didn't do anything about it. On the other hand, if I do get pregnant now, do I jeapordize the opportunity to turn this job into a full time one? I wish this didn't have to be so hard all the time. Why can't I be one of the lucky people who just decides to have a baby and it happens just like that. I haven't even really been trying this time around. It took way too much out of me to try for Matteson. So much disappointment and false hope and time passing is just too much for my already fragile emotional state. Now I don't think about it.

I have so much going on right now with Kaelin too, I don't know what a baby would do to her at this point, or how I could manage to muster up the energy to deal with the intense frustration she seems to be intent on inflicting on me and the complete exhaustion I face with every pregnancy. I'm finding it so hard to deal with her as it is. It's gotten to the point that some days I would be happy to stay at work until she's in bed. That's a horrible thing to think about my own child, especially when I want another so badly, but she's turned into such a little monster, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I've done wrong. She is disciplined fairly consistently, she has boundaries and rules set up for her, we reward her good behaviour and she gets tons of positive reinforcement she has just developed an insane temper that we can't seem to control.

I don't know if it's the adjustment to preschool and being away from me, or if it's the outside influences and inconsistencies, but I am losing my mind. I feel like we're fueling each other now. She yells and whines and throws a fit and I can only keep my cool for so long. Then I'm yelling, and she's yelling and I don't want to be around her.

I'm sure every mother feels like this at some point, especially with a three year old, but it still makes me feel like a horrible mother. I am working on having more patience and having a little bit more organization around the house so I don't feel so overwhelmed all the time, but that's going to be a bit of a family effort. I know I can't do it all on my own and it's time to delegate and set some ground rules for my family. Hopefully this lack of desire to come home doesn't stick around once I don't have to walk in to a filthy house and a pain in the ass kid to deal with. I just haven't figured out how to work it all out yet. It's only been a month, and I don't think I'm doing too bad, it's just a lot to get used to after being at home for almost four years.

I know everything will all work itself out soon, and I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Hopefully by this time next year I'll be starting another maternity leave with another little miracle, instead of sitting around watching every one else's birth announcements come flooding in.

Wish me Luck!!!