A Day for Love

I have never really liked Valentines Day. As a teenager it just reminded me that I was alone and didn't have anyone to spend that special day with. Since meeting Mark, I have come to enjoy Valentines Day. I like to think of it as a day for love, friendship and family, and yesterday, I really felt loved in so many ways.

We never really planned to do anything special, money is tight and we can't really justify spending it on frivolity, so we agreed to forgo the celebration this year. That was until my mom called and told me she had sent us some money so we could have a nice night. We decided to get some good steaks, which we never do because they cost too much, and spend a nice romantic night in. The three of us spent the day together, grocery shopping mostly, but it's usually a chore I do on my own. Even the simple act of being together as we walked around the grocery store felt romantic. I bought us a bottle of wine, another thing we usually go without, and the saleswoman gave me a flower. A simple gesture, but one that so many of us take for granted. We drove home in silence, listening to love songs while Kaelin slept in the backseat and I felt blessed. I was holding hands with the love of my life, with two roses on my lap that my mom had insisted Mark pick up for Kaelin and I, and we were going to have a wonderful romantic night alone together.

Mark went for a nap when we got home, the normal result of a messed up weekend schedule after midnights, and I sat down for a while to relax before I started our late dinner. I sat down at the computer and noticed some photos on Facebook titled "For Jamie." My sister in law Holly, who is currently living in England, visited a garden that had been dedicated to lost babies and she thought of me. I was profoundly touched by one photo that she had dedicated to Perrin and Matteson, of a memorial plaque from two parents to their lost baby. In front of the plaque, Holly had placed two flowers, one for each of my sons, and taken a photo. A small gesture, to many, but for me it was such an incredible thing for anyone to have done for my sons, and for me. I've spoken to my counsellor about my sorrow and anger that no-one will ever acknowledge the place my sons had on this earth. She told me that I have to let go of what others think or say, and only acknowledge that I give the babies a place. Yesterday, on the day of love, my sister in law acknowledged that my sweet baby boys deserved to be remembered and missed, and that someone other than Mark and I, was thinking of them.

I am truly blessed. I am going to strive to take my blessings into the world, and bestow the small gestures on the people I encounter in my life. It may be a small gesture to me, but to someone else, it might be the greatest gift I could ever give. I don't always remember to say it, but thank you to everyone who touches my life. Your love and friendship mean more to me than you can ever imagine.

Who You'd Be Today

One year ago today, I was due to give birth to my first son. One year ago today, I was supposed to have two children. I should be celebrating Perrin's first birthday today and it's days like these that still hurt the most. I wonder what he'd be like at one year old. Who would he look like? Would he be a talking, or sitting back and listening to everything that's going on? Would he be a daddy's boy or mommy's little man? I know there isn't any point to wondering what if. It only makes the ache stronger, knowing that I will never know the answers.

I went out today and I bought him a rose. I don't know why, I just had to acknowledge that today means something. It sounds dumb, especially since he wasn't actually born today, but it's important for me. I was supposed to be a mom today. I think about how excited I was planning Kaelin's first birthday party and it breaks my heart. I wanted so much for those boys. I watch Kaelin running around with Mark and I think of what it would be like having a little boy toddling around after his big sister and his daddy.

I think the stress of life is catching up with me today. I haven't cried in a long time, but with the constant worry that Mark will lose his job, and the stress of trying to find a full time job for myself as well as trying to make sure my family doesn't get lost in the shuffle, I'm overwhelmed. Missing my boys today certainly isn't helping the situation. I feel hopeless. I am usually a person who is filled with hope, even in the face of terrible things, but today, I just don't have any hope left. I am terrified about everything. I am terrified Mark will lose his job, and I'm terrified that any job I find won't allow me to be with my family, and I'm terrified that it's going to take another year to get pregnant and I'm terrified that next year I'll be remembering the due date for another one of my babies.

I think I'm going to go outside and sit with my boys for a while. I always feel better when I talk to them.

A Beginning

I don't know what the purpose behind this is for me, I just know that it's something that I have to do. I've been thinking a lot about the reasons behind some of the things that I've been drawn to the past few months and I have never felt so sure and so lost at the same time.

I am going back to work soon. After three seemingly endless years that went by faster than I ever could have imagined, I am leaving my role as stay at home mom to rejoin my fellow adults in the outside world. It's very bittersweet for me, to say the least. I have always wanted to be there for my kids all the time, that was the only work I ever wanted to do. But this past year has been very difficult for me in more ways than one. Adjusting back to a life without my sons was the hardest thing I've ever done. I know most people can't understand how a child that has never been born, never known or never held, can impact a life as profoundly as a living child. My answer is always, unless you have experienced that life, you will never understand. My sons may not have been with me for long, but I felt every second of their lives and for that, my life has been irrevocably, profoundly changed. I am a better mother for having had them, and for that I am grateful. I know Kaelin will be a better person for the experience, and I know that I have learned to appreciate the small miracles that I have every day.

As strong as my desire is to stay at home and be with my daughter, I have noticed a change in both she and I, and I feel like I need to nurture that change. It's lonely work being a homemaker. I miss having conversations with other people, I miss being able to talk about things that I have in common, and I miss being able to do things for me. Kaelin too, is starting to pull away from me and move towards other kids, I suppose being alone herself all day is lonely too. I am proud of the accomplishments she and I have made together. She is astoundingly intelligent and very well mannered. I don't know how much I had to do with that, but I know that she is learning how to be out in the world from us and that makes me very proud. I have tried never to let my emotions hinder her development or her need to explore, and I think that it's time for me to let go, despite my sadness, and let her thrive in a way that I can't help her.

I am excited to see how she handles this next challenge in her life. I hope that I can continue to help her be a better person, even when she's not with me all the time. Maybe that's why I feel the need to keep these journals. Not just as a record of my thoughts and feelings, but so she can look back and see everything that I wanted for her, and that I wanted her to know. Maybe in 12 years, when she's a stubborn teenager who doesn't think I understand, she can read this and know that I love her more than anything else in this life.