Hope Springs Eternal

Well, as I'm sure it has become very apparent that I lack discipline. It's been a few weeks since I've written, not for lack of things to write about, I have just simply forgotten. Adapting to being a semi-working mom has been something of a challenge. It is only a few hours a week, which is somewhat disappointing, but it's a bit of a learning curve to adjust to working outside the home, working inside the home and still managing to put in enough wife and mommy time to keep everyone happy. Some days it's enough to make me want to pull my hair out, but I find myself mildly satisfied with finally feeling like a contributing member of my family. I know realistically that I have always 'done' things for my family, and being a stay at home mom is the hardest work there is, no one could ever convince me otherwise, but not being able to contribute financially is a bit tough on anyone. I'm not making much money now, but it's still more than I was making before.

Working has also provided me with a little bit of a stress reliever on the baby front. I have been worried constantly over what will happen when our next baby finally shows up. I want to give all my children the same opportunities Kaelin was able to have, having a full time mommy, but it just wouldn't be possible unless A: the economy shapes up dramatically, or B: I make enough money beforehand to pay down our debt and allow me to qualify for mat leave again. It may not seem like much to the outside observer, but I know I am working towards providing a better life for all my kids, both real and yet to be.

Not much has happened as far as babies go, which is a little disappointing, but I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not disappointed. That has never been a strong point for me. I have to cancel my appointment with the specialist because I still haven't had my second ultrasound, so that's irritating me a little bit. I want this whole process over with. I want to walk into the doctor's office in two days and have all the answers we have been trying to find for the past year and a half. I want to get a positive pregnancy test so we can finally start developing that hope again; maybe a complete family is something we could have after all. I've had some interesting symptoms for the past two or three days; mild nausea, mild cramping, tiredness, mildly aching breasts and some light spotting. It could be the start of a new cycle, although it's something of a miracle that it would happen on a 30 day cycle, which is where I'm at now. I'm trying not to think of the other possibility for fear of jinxing myself. I don't know if it's been in my mind for a while and my body is creating symptoms of nothing, or if something really is going on. First thing tomorrow, if my cycle hasn't started over I am going out for a pregnancy test. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up but the longer this takes the worse I get.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed and praying as hard as I can, but I'm still scared it could take another year and I don't know how well I would handle that. It's been a hard enough year as it is. If the test is negative, I'll be cancelling my specialist appointment and scheduling my ultrasound. If it's positive...I haven't decided what that means yet. That still makes me sad. It should never be like that for anyone. You get a positive pregnancy test, it should mean that you're going to have a baby. For me, and any other couple who has lost a baby, it only means that you are pregnant. My pregnancy ticker will never say a baby is due in x number of weeks, only that I have been pregnant for x number of weeks. It becomes more about hope than expectation. Of course I will pray that after 40 weeks I finally have the child we've been waiting for, but in the end, I can only be grateful for the time that God grants me to be a mother to yet another little soul. It may only be a few weeks, or a few months, but as hard as it is for others to believe, I am so completely grateful for that time. I love all three of my babies so much it hurts, and it would break my heart to lose another child, just like it broke for each of my sons. In the end, I can't begin to understand why we were chosen for this. My relationship with God has changed in amazing ways because of this. I was chosen. I can't even begin to understand why, but I hope it's because I am capable of and willing to love every single life that grows inside me with the same depth and passion, regardless of whether or not they are meant for life. It gives me a great sense of comfort to know that my sons can feel how much I love them, and maybe I give them some comfort and belonging that they wouldn't have had without me.

It's not easy to lose a baby, regardless of what I believe, or how much faith I have that they know they are loved. Although I don't want to lose another child, it's something I have to be willing to risk, not only for the completion of my heart, but because I know that God has a plan for me. That is the only thing that gets me through my times of uncertainty and doubt. There is a reason for all of this, and although I may never know what that reason is, I am ready to find out.