A Beginning

I don't know what the purpose behind this is for me, I just know that it's something that I have to do. I've been thinking a lot about the reasons behind some of the things that I've been drawn to the past few months and I have never felt so sure and so lost at the same time.

I am going back to work soon. After three seemingly endless years that went by faster than I ever could have imagined, I am leaving my role as stay at home mom to rejoin my fellow adults in the outside world. It's very bittersweet for me, to say the least. I have always wanted to be there for my kids all the time, that was the only work I ever wanted to do. But this past year has been very difficult for me in more ways than one. Adjusting back to a life without my sons was the hardest thing I've ever done. I know most people can't understand how a child that has never been born, never known or never held, can impact a life as profoundly as a living child. My answer is always, unless you have experienced that life, you will never understand. My sons may not have been with me for long, but I felt every second of their lives and for that, my life has been irrevocably, profoundly changed. I am a better mother for having had them, and for that I am grateful. I know Kaelin will be a better person for the experience, and I know that I have learned to appreciate the small miracles that I have every day.

As strong as my desire is to stay at home and be with my daughter, I have noticed a change in both she and I, and I feel like I need to nurture that change. It's lonely work being a homemaker. I miss having conversations with other people, I miss being able to talk about things that I have in common, and I miss being able to do things for me. Kaelin too, is starting to pull away from me and move towards other kids, I suppose being alone herself all day is lonely too. I am proud of the accomplishments she and I have made together. She is astoundingly intelligent and very well mannered. I don't know how much I had to do with that, but I know that she is learning how to be out in the world from us and that makes me very proud. I have tried never to let my emotions hinder her development or her need to explore, and I think that it's time for me to let go, despite my sadness, and let her thrive in a way that I can't help her.

I am excited to see how she handles this next challenge in her life. I hope that I can continue to help her be a better person, even when she's not with me all the time. Maybe that's why I feel the need to keep these journals. Not just as a record of my thoughts and feelings, but so she can look back and see everything that I wanted for her, and that I wanted her to know. Maybe in 12 years, when she's a stubborn teenager who doesn't think I understand, she can read this and know that I love her more than anything else in this life.