Who You'd Be Today

One year ago today, I was due to give birth to my first son. One year ago today, I was supposed to have two children. I should be celebrating Perrin's first birthday today and it's days like these that still hurt the most. I wonder what he'd be like at one year old. Who would he look like? Would he be a talking, or sitting back and listening to everything that's going on? Would he be a daddy's boy or mommy's little man? I know there isn't any point to wondering what if. It only makes the ache stronger, knowing that I will never know the answers.

I went out today and I bought him a rose. I don't know why, I just had to acknowledge that today means something. It sounds dumb, especially since he wasn't actually born today, but it's important for me. I was supposed to be a mom today. I think about how excited I was planning Kaelin's first birthday party and it breaks my heart. I wanted so much for those boys. I watch Kaelin running around with Mark and I think of what it would be like having a little boy toddling around after his big sister and his daddy.

I think the stress of life is catching up with me today. I haven't cried in a long time, but with the constant worry that Mark will lose his job, and the stress of trying to find a full time job for myself as well as trying to make sure my family doesn't get lost in the shuffle, I'm overwhelmed. Missing my boys today certainly isn't helping the situation. I feel hopeless. I am usually a person who is filled with hope, even in the face of terrible things, but today, I just don't have any hope left. I am terrified about everything. I am terrified Mark will lose his job, and I'm terrified that any job I find won't allow me to be with my family, and I'm terrified that it's going to take another year to get pregnant and I'm terrified that next year I'll be remembering the due date for another one of my babies.

I think I'm going to go outside and sit with my boys for a while. I always feel better when I talk to them.